I’m coming home to myself. To Andy. To my natural state.
My focus this year on loving and taking care of myself, and repairing my nervous system, has been working incredibly well.
There are times when it has been hard and incredibly scary, but that’s what happens when you’ve suffered from several traumatic experiences.
I’m now at a point where I’m processing things that happened to me when I was a baby, at the hands of another person.
Since then, with no one to validate my experience or tell me what happened, I have been stuck in terrified child mode. This has manifested in many ways, including:
- Being afraid that other people are going to hurt me
- Feeling not good enough and incapable
- Feeling incredible amounts of shame
- Feeling unable to survive without the care of a parent
- Hiding and isolating
- Having jobs and relationships with people who mistreated me, including my first marriage
- Looking to what other people say to form my basis of what to believe and what is right/wrong
- Being afraid of expressing what I feel is right and wrong and what my truth is
- Not knowing what my truth is
- Thinking something is wrong with me in comparison to how other people act and do things
- Making sure that I do things perfectly and proactively trying not to make people upset with me, especially at my job and in my relationships
I have been making incredible strides in my health and wellness over the last five years, and I’ve been treating and processing my trauma over the last two years with a therapist.
The biggest thing that I’ve learned during this time is that, when I was a baby, I was harmed. And I have been harmed multiple times since then.
I was born with a natural state of being who I am and wanting to connect with others as I was. Because nobody ever told me that who I was and what I needed was perfectly ok, and I in fact received the opposite information, I have spent the last 40 years trying to be what I thought others demanded of me so that I would survive.
My natural state was interrupted by the harm that was inflicted on me, and I have spent my 40 years on this earth stuck in terrified child mode.
Well, the good news is that humans are incapable of incredible healing. Through a combination of reparenting myself and giving myself the love, care, and validation that I always needed, and through safe relationships with my wonderful wife at home and with my colleagues at work, I have been able to heal.
I’ve been able to give myself unconditional love and receive it from others.
It’s amazing what capabilities are brought back online when you find the safety and resources to heal traumatic wounds. I am absolutely thriving and feel amazing. I still get traumatic flashbacks, but it’s simply my body’s way of telling me that there’s more healing to do, and so I do it.
I’m coming home to myself. To my natural state that I never got to meet until now. More layers of the onion get peeled back, and I continue to meet more parts of myself. I rebuilt my foundation over the last five years, and I have the safety and support that I need to rise, fall, and do that over and over again.
I’m making myself at home, and I can’t wait to meet you and for you to meet me!